All I wanted is to give you love - why did you try to kill me?

My Beloved Christophe,

I did all I could despite myself to make you feel happier - I felt miserable, yet anything, the smallest sign from you that my being alive or any action I take can make you happy would have made me feel worth living.

I love you and I told you plain and clear - why, why, why did you refuse to accept all this? Why would you not even talk to me? What is it you're afraid of? 
You were and are my reason to live, I would give anything up for you - and here I mean anything. I don't expect you to be somebody different, somebody "perfect" however you'd like to define the term - some vague definition I would refuse to accept anyway.

You insist I just got attached to an imaginary person I conjured up, who is perfect, no flaws, scintillating and successful. Yet excuse my honesty -  I know you were married and got divorced after having 4 children - I do not know why and how, nor is it any of my business. Without further information though, It is not the best recommendation letter for a relationship. Nor is your constant flirting with any female around, I know quite a bit of this from hearsay and I am not blind either- yet what I see is when it comes to being serious in a relationship, you simply back off. 

Notwithstanding, so far I have caught  you when you fell, I have warned you when you were about to make mistakes, I supported you in any way I could - and what I get back is that I am a "macho girl", meaning that I believe it is man's job to make money and it is a weakness to stay at home with children. I shall never be able to understand how this ever came to your mind. This is just the most respectable thing a man can do in my eyes - I myself could not do it. I could make money, just as anyone else can - lots of it in fact, if I so very much wanted to. Yet I would never be able to have all that love, patience and care for raising 4 children. Not even one without support for that matter. You've done something I know I'm absolutely incapable of - no article, presentation, class or even Noble prize can win you more of my respect. I could do all that if I really set my mind to it - but I really see no point as the closer I get to being successful in this field, the more distant you become. 
At any rate: to relive all this stress I regularly go to Braziian Ju-jitsu classes where I fight with huge muscular men in one of the most aggressive sports - so who am I to tell anyone anything about "proper" gender roles anyway? I don't care about them either - all I know is that it was you I really wanted, not even in a possessive way, whatever that would have made you happy, I would have been happy to go along with. 

I do know that you were the one taking care of the children instead of you wife, who was working - and I never envied anyone more than this person whose name I still don't know. I also know that this is a train long gone and I'm not trying to get you to devote yourself to a new family or trick you into anything - I would have been happy to support the family and children you already have.

I know all these things that would make you a perfectly unsuitable partner in any woman's eyes - what I do not know is why you refuse to accept that I simply do not care about any of this? I am happy to support you raising the children you already have, giving up my possibility of having my own ones with someone else, which I feel you would most ardently advocate - since there is and can not be anyone else.

All this will no doubt sound "irrational" to you and I understand that in your view it might be. Yet there is nothing I can do. I would give up anything for you - having my own children or family, a career, my entire life if I knew that it would make you happy. 
Here came the dagger straight into my heart - the message: just leave me alone. I can leave you alone. But that means I have to leave. That means I have to leave for good. That means there are no more tomorrows for me that would be worth seeing.

What makes me want to die most is that I feel there is nothing in the world I could do to make you happy. You were straight enough to claim this and I grant all my respect to you for it - "it is best that we should not meet" as you don't see a reason why we should. The problem is that I don't see a reason why I should spend a millisecond more alive than I already have without you, alone, outside in the heart-freezing cold of loneliness.